instead of some random blurbs about why I am wearing things here's an essay of sorts that I wrote at the end of summer I guess and is something I still think a lot about.
I suppose most people can agree that change is inevitable in life. You might not even notice it happening until you look back a stare and past selves and realize you are nothing like them anymore. I have always said of myself that the world around me changed a lot but I was a very stuck person. Now as summer comes to a close and I have yet to decide if college is my path I have time to actually sit down and reflect on that change and if what I have thought of myself all these years is true. I know I keep trying to ignore it, but change keeps running into me and forcing me to take note.With a part of my life that was all encapsulating ending I don't really know what to do with myself. Being in high school is something I was good at. It gave me a reason to complain and yet a reason to showcase what I thought to be pretty decent research paper writing skills (here's to never actually researching anything I ever wrote about and also to never reading a single book for class). I have spent the past 4 years in this weird special and all the same terrible time in life call being a teenager. But now that high school is over I am technically still a teen, eighteen…it's in the name. But everyone around me wants me to move on and grow up and be an "adult".As a way to contradict what I am supposed to be doing currently, I decided to take a semester off and wait to go to college in the spring. This seemed like a fun and easy choice when it was January and my only thought was "I get to have a really long summer with a job to fill time". But real summer went fast, and real people are going to school now. This leaves me and the few stragglers feeling very unreal. Even though deep down I know that my life probably will end up being just as fun and sad and terrific and boring as everyone else's, right now everyone makes me feel like a failure just by going about their lives. I feel as though I took the cowards way out by waiting before I jumped into college. But at the same time I feel brave for not just going back to school with my peers which would be a comfortable setting. But for some reason I can't really see this side, I only see people getting their lives together while I lay in bed marathoning every season of Parks & Rec.So you could say this is a time of great change for me, because really it is. Everyone I'm friends with now I've either only known for a few months or are not the same people I was friends with when I first met them. Long friendships have ended as quickly as "cup of noodle soup" preparation. New friendships ebb and flow as people move all around me and I stand still, a rock. Suddenly my only concern is not boys or drinking or driving around with friends even though I tell everyone they are. My main concern is not knowing who I am anymore and not knowing if these friends I have now will be mine for very much longer. My concerns are about future selfs and future security. This makes current me upset because I have never been one to care about what happens in the future. But now it is all I can think about.For as long as I can remember I have been solely concerned with the present and the past. I enjoy learning from the past and I enjoy living in the present. The future was just a setting for sci-fi movies and people's deaths so why care. I stand on this ledge of teenagedom and adulthood and I teeter. I don't want to care about anything just to be contrary and so as not to fall into societies expectations of me. But then I think to myself that doing so is childish and stupid and I should just do as I'm told and "grow up". But everyone else is growing up, so why should I. Surely there are enough people in my generation busy growing up that there is room for me to fall through the cracks and stay behind.Summer was fun and easy because everyone I knew was free to roam and play and not care. It was easy because we all still went to the same parties and the same concerts and the same eateries. But as August rolled on I ran into fewer and fewer people at shows. I got what I had dreamed of for years which was concerts in which I didn't have to awkwardly say high to that one guy from English class, and now I miss the interaction.As I sat on Hamilton Hill smoking cigarettes on the grass like it was June all over again, we heard the loud sounds of people singing Happy Birthday to Scottie Monroe one last time. "Ugh they're so obnoxious" was my first thought because I felt like I was at school all over again. But as I sat there listening to these dumb drunken friends bubbling through the park it hit me. This would be the last time that all these guys would be together ever, Scottie was leaving for college the next morning, they were splintering, and they didn't even really notice it yet because they were drunk. I went home and cried a bit over people I never really liked in high school and still don't really care for. I cried because they probably wouldn't notice it was over until they were twenty years from now wondering what had become of all their friends.I guess I cried because it was ending, and endings had always been in the future. I have never had to think about them because I live or lived in the present. But now my present is full of endings and no one ever taught me how to cope.So I am slowly learning on my own how to deal with these changes, even if the way I deal with them only works for me. I will try and live in the present and not worry about the future, but I will not cut future site out of my mind so I can be prepared for the endings. But mostly I will carry on through the change and I will try and make it out as myself on the other end of it all. I guess even through all my changes I am fundamentally still the same person, and I'm pretty ok with who she is.
If you read all of that thanks for listening to my babbling on about cliche as hell teen crap. I know this is all sorta normal but I hate that it has to be. I dunno man I just don't like endings.